Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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