Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
