it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
