His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
