Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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