Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Randomize
