Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Still dying that you shit outside
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
