he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
