Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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