Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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