my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
