we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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