Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Randomize
