loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
