It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
