Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
