someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
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