Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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