we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
