Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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