some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Randomize
