Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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