I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
