My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
