Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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