Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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