Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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