When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
