i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
