I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
