I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
