everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
