I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
