So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
