i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
20 People Who Caught Their Significant Others Cheating and Hand Over Some Major Karma
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
33 Memes You’ll Find Uncomfortably Relatable If You’ve Ever Been Through A Messy Breakup
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.