it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"