I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.