i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.