Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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