This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
