I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
