i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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