I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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