how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize
