I cannot find my penis.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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