my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize