I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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