You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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