So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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