She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Randomize
