I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
