I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
