How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
