We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Randomize
