i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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