Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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