Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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