I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
