wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
