Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
